Happy Thursday,
How are you all doing this evening? I would love to hear from you, let me know how things are in your neck of the woods. I’m doing good. Gosh, I’ve missed writing my blog. Life got away from me and I couldn’t catch up for the longest time. I’m still playing catch up, but things are more manageable, so that’s a good thing.
I wanted to reach out to everyone and ask for your thoughts on a subject that I’ve been ruffling around with. You see, I was raised in a very toxic home and religion/cult. I was in a very mentally abusive marriage, and I finally built up the courage to leave. Now that I’m free I want to make sure that I am on the path the Universe has always had planned for me. I broke free and almost didn’t survive. If you have broken free from something abusive, how did you do it and are you okay?
When you are raised in a narcissistic abusive religion, home, then you marry someone who takes advantage of your low self-esteem, much of the time those relationships do one of two things in my opinion. They break you to the point you simply exist and wish you were dead, or by the grace of God or whatever higher power you believe in, you wake up one day and decide, no matter what, you are breaking free. Some of us break free but fail to have a game plan in place. I thought I had it figured out, but I was so clueless to life and the world in more ways than I realized.
My story is typical of being raised as a JW. I got married at seventeen. I married a man that was twenty-six years old and from the moment we got in the car to drive to Vegas to get married, I knew it was a mistake. I knew too, I couldn’t go home. I also knew I couldn’t call of getting married. You see, back in the 80’s when I got engaged, it was a serious sin to break off an engagement simply because you changed your mind. You could be disfellowshipped if you didn’t have a scriptural reason. I always wondered how you couldn’t break off an engagement because you changed your mind, yet being engaged was likened to marriage, except you still needed a chaperone and you couldn’t have sex or engage in anything other than maybe holding hands or a kiss, but not a passionate kiss, oh no, that could lead to serious sin.
My ex-husband was nearly ten years older than I was. The narcissistic religion didn’t care though, neither did my mother, as long as he was in good standing in the congregation, he was a catch. We knew each other less than three months before we were married. From the time I said I-do, he owned me. I went from a controlling mother to a controlling husband. My husband was so controlling that he bought our sons cellphones before he allowed me to have one. He called every shot in my life, down to what I wore, even when I was allowed to have sex with him.
Now that I’m out and free and I listen to JW broadcasts and convention talks, my ex was doing exactly what he was entitled to do as head of the house and what he was encouraged to do. Now I know not all JW husbands take their headship to unhealthy levels, but some do and for those of us who either have found the courage to leave or have what I call courage to stay, the choice is the hardest one in the world, because there is consequence to either decision.
When I left the JW religion and my ex-husband, I had no game plan. I was so stupid; I didn’t realize leaving him would cost me my job my family and friends. I went from having a good job, money, a car, a vacation home, rental properties to losing my job, having no home and no money. I had no stability, but you know who came to my rescue and helped me? It was my “worldly” friends. I still have little money, but through the help of those “worldly” people who came into my life, I’ve been able to rent a nice little condo and I found a nice little part time job as a reporter for a local newspaper. I also fell in love, with a “worldly” man.
The God of Watchtower never came to my aid, but the God I found when I broke free, he’s given me some amazing people in my life. I have an amazing man who loves me in ways I never thought possible. I’ve learned to pray and ask for strength and understanding instead of wanting answers as to why. I know some of you reading aren’t believers in God, and that’s okay, we all have our own belief systems and whatever differences we have in a higher being, that’s okay, because any of you, like me, who have left a high controlling religion, we were taught to judge, and I hope now that we are out, we can learn to be more compassionate, without judgment.
Breaking free was the hardest thing I ever did. I lost my relationship with my sons, yet over time, I got my sons back in my life. I’ve met a man that treats me like his queen and this man has not only encouraged me but has helped me find the tools I need to follow my dreams. He’s my partner, not my head. We meet challenges in life together and we make choices as a team. We each have our own strengths, and we have our weaknesses, but we complement each other, and he has never treated me as lesser than. He is always there for me, and he takes care of me.
I recently finished my first book, I have two blogs, and a podcast and for the first time in my life, I live for the day and the moment. I’m not fixated on a false hope, or at least what I feel is a false hope. I never want to speak for anyone else or assume you feel the same way. I have made new friends and I want to live. I no longer pray to God to not let me wake up tomorrow, instead, I wake up and thank him for another day, another opportunity to live.
If it be God’s will, he will use me to share his message. I’ll never again say I wish I had a different life growing up, because the life I had taught me what I don’t want to be. It taught me how to have gratitude and the bottom line is, if I didn’t have that life, I wouldn’t have my sons and I would have never found Martin, so I’m grateful.
I was again asked, why did you decide to write this blog and start up a podcast, and my answer is simple, to help people.
I was recently listening to a YouTube interview that Wendi Renay had done, can’t remember with who, but in the interview the person said, “I’m not looking to take people out of the JW religion, or any other religion/cult, I’m just here to help if you decide to leave.” (Not sure if these are the exact words, but it was the message I took from the comment). Wendi then said in agreement, something along the lines of, “hey, if you’re happy being a JW, then great.” I take from her channel that she isn’t about bashing a religion, she’s about telling her story and having others share their stories, because she simply wants to help those who are thinking of leaving, or breaking free from Watchtower, and she wants her listeners to know, they aren’t alone, and I admire that.
Breaking free, it comes with a cost, so if you are thinking of leaving a high controlling religion, cult or relationship, have a game plan and know, while it isn’t easy, it may in fact be the hardest thing you’ll ever do, but you can find happiness on the other side, at least I hope you do. You’re not alone. There’s an entire community out there to listen and offer advice. Where my journey might not relate to you, someone else’s may.
I do beg of you though, if you are thinking of harming yourself, or someone else, please seek immediate medical attention. You can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
I do hope that my blog reaches someone who is searching for understanding from someone whose been in your shoes or similar shoes. I pray through my blog; I can build a community where people feel free to express themselves with no judgement. I hope through the comment section, to see people connecting. I also hope that all of us can open our hearts, listen and evolve today.
Until next time, I do hope you have a wonderful evening. Hugs++
My podcast link:
Have you evolved today? 