Happy Thursday,
How are you all doing today? I hope it’s an amazing day for you. All is good here. Tomorrow is my birthday and it’s hard to believe, fifty-four is upon me in a matter of hours. I’m okay with it though. I’m grateful for this second half of my life and while I’m excited to see what’s next, I’ll do my best to live in the present and enjoy and be humbled by each day I am here on this earth.
I believe it’s true what they say about aging, you’re smarter and you learn what’s important and what’s not. It just clicks. It makes me think of one of my neighbors, you see, she’s eighty-seven years old and this woman is beautiful. If you saw her, you wouldn’t think she was that age, and what’s super sad is her mind is leaving this earth sooner than her body. She has dementia and it seems each day, it gets a little worse. She knows it too and I can’t imagine how hard that must be on her and she’s all alone, except for her couple of friends. One of her friends shared with me the other day that my neighbor has a son who moved to another country, and he has nothing to do with her. This woman is beautiful and wealthy and she’s alone in this world, even more so as she’s losing touch with who she is.
My neighbor was a businesswoman all of her life. She has great wealth, her looks, and is in perfect shape, yet her mind has decided to move on without her body being ready. She talks about putting herself in a home. I sit here and think, if my mind leaves before my body is ready, I want my boys to put me in a home and never come to visit, because it won’t be me, they are visiting, I’ll be gone in mind and spirt, leaving my body behind.
You may be wondering why I am thinking of this? Well, I have a family history of the women in my family and their minds seem to go away before their bodies catch up. I have an aunt who is in permanent skilled nursing because her mind is on a journey to somewhere else, but her body is not wanting to leave. When she went into the hospital last year, I was talking to my uncle, her brother and he said, “you know Rae, it’s a family curse, the women in the Lowe/Booth side of the family have a really high chance of getting Alzheimer’s. You’re a woman, so please make sure you are aware that this could happen to you.” Basically, prepare yourself and your sons they may lose their mom sooner than they are ready for.
“There is no way to stop aging. No perfect cream, no youth diet. And yet kindness will never age. A smile, a gentle word, simply being there for others. That is worth every wrinkle, every scar in life, every moment. Showing up is TIMELESS.”-Rachel Marie Martin. Each year we live brings us one step closer to moving onto the next life. I love how this person says, “a smile, a gentle word and simply being there for others. That is worth every wrinkle, every scar in life, every moment.” I wish this concept in life clicked a little sooner not only for myself, but others too. I think about the time I missed with one of my aunts who is now ninety-seven. I can’t make up for missed time, but I can make sure I don’t miss out on any more time with her. Yesterday I spent nearly an hour on the phone with her and while I needed to get things done, I wouldn’t change that time with her for absolutely nothing. I love her and I know when her body decides it’s done, I’ll miss her like crazy.
I think back to the day my dad died. It was on a Wednesday. I had called him on that Monday, and he sounded okay, but he couldn’t talk. He had just moved back to my brothers the day before and he said he needed to finish organizing his room, so I told him I loved him and I’d call him back the next day, but I got busy, so I told myself I’d call him the next day and when Wednesday came along, instead of me calling him, my brother called to tell me dad was gone. I was too busy to make that one last phone call. Never again will I allow anything to get in the way of taking just a moment for what’s important.
“One day it just clicks…. you realize what’s important and what isn’t. You learn to care less about what other people think of you and more about what you think of yourself. You realize how far you’ve come, and you remember when you thought things were such a mess that you would never recover. And you SMILE. You smile because you are truly proud of yourself and the person you’ve fought to become.”-unknown. Sometimes in the learning process, figuring out what’s important can be a hard knock in the head. Martin always says, the harder the lesson, the more we learn.
I know one lesson that I have to work on every day and that is, letting go and letting God. It’s not for me to ask why, instead, I need to simply ask for strength and understanding. I can’t go back in the past, but I can move forward and embrace every moment. I’m turning fifty-four tomorrow, a birthday I never even considered when I was younger, but here it is, knocking on my front door and I’m excited to see what it will bring. “As we grow older, we let go a little at a time: a bad memory, a negative habit, a toxic friend. Bit by bit we shed what no longer serves us until we reveal who we are underneath it all. We soon discover that even though we gave up many things, there is no feeling of loss. What we have gained in return is far more valuable.”-Emily Maroutian.
I can tell you this, over the last year, I’ve released the anger and resentment I had towards my mother, and I feel at peace. I am dead in her eyes, and I find peace in knowing, it’s because she is so involved in her religion and that horrible religion, she is a part of, tells her that because I don’t believe the same as her, I should be shunned and cast away as though I were dead. As terrible as those sounds, I’m okay with it finally because one day when I was displaying anger towards her, Martin let me rant, then said, why does this bother you so much? “Because she’ my mother,” I said. He replied calmly, “but it’s her belief system that gets her through the day” and in that moment I realized, she’s living her best life and I’m living mine and it’s okay to not have her in my world and I most certainly don’t want to be in hers because it’s filled with a cult/religion I don’t agree with. She was a reason and season in my life and even though she was my mom at one time, our lives went in different directions and that’s okay. I love her and I hope nothing but the best for her.
I was thinking the other day on my way home from San Diego about losing my dad two years ago and it hit me, I lost my mother six years ago. My parents are both gone. The feeling of loss is always going to be there, especially for my dad, but in the process of losing my parents, I’ve gained freedom to think for myself. Cult life with Mother never allowed that. When I lost my dad, I lost my crutch. You see, he always told me it would be okay and if things didn’t work out, he was there to listen to me, or tell me it wasn’t important. He always gave me an out while being my biggest cheerleader, but now, I have to push myself and not make excuses for why it didn’t work. I don’t have him making me feel better, and that’s okay. I’m growing into a stronger person because he had to leave this world, and I’m okay with that. He was suffering and I wouldn’t wish that on anybody.
One day it clicked. I grew up. I lost things I never thought I could lose, yet I’m still here and I know my daddy would be so proud of me having two blogs and a podcast. He knows how much I wanted to find my place in this life, and I finally found it. He knew my passion for writing and helping people and from the bottom of my heart, I know I’m on the right path and it’s exactly what I’m getting to do.
I’m excited to be on this journey. I’m excited to be able to write about it in this blog and I can’t wait to see where life takes not only me, but all of us.
Thank you for reading today and please, if you are so inclined to do so, follow me and shoot me a comment and let me know your thoughts, what you might like to see me write about and how I’m doing so far. I love hearing from you all and I promise to respond, especially now that I can access my email. Take care everyone and until next time, don’t forget, open your hearts, listen, and evolve today. I hope today is the best day ever.
Have you evolved today? 